I felt so fucking lost

Do you have a place you avoid? That place that summarizes everything you felt, thought about, hoped for and failed at?
I do.
Its my former college. I never quite found my place there, and through out my long mostly unnecessary years, I felt like an outcast. I remember feeling lost, at times paralyzed, inept. I was so unsure about my future, or if I even had one. Nothing made sense.
I went through a lot. I suppose a lot of it was part of growing up but everything seemed so difficult and i couldn't understand why it was happening to me.
Life, in a sense, was beating me up. It left me pretty banged up and though I am "older" and "wiser" I don't think I healed those wounds. I developed a sense of solitude, I lost that general sense of trust. Life swept the the rug from underneath my very feet, I am aware that the choices I made were solely mine to make, that does not lessen the sting I still feel.
I still remember the comments made, the false promises, that emptiness as I walked in and out of class every day carrying the books I never read that cost me more then i would earn in one week. I felt so fucking lost.
Its a dark night the rain pouring from above is cold as ice. As we walk back to the car, the frigid wind picks up and the rain smacks me on the face reminds me of I how felt not so long ago.

Still not so many years later, I'm still fucking lost.

Not worth my time!

I was feeling adventurous the other night, so I went to rent a movie out of the red box. I rented "Gamer". It looked interesting from the look of the movie trailers. I think I had forgotten that movie trailers can sometimes be the only good thing about a movie.
The concept was original, the action was there (I suppose), but nearly two hours later I was regretting my choice, however not as much as my girlfriend who endured every minute of it with me.

I think Gerard Butler is a good action star but the best action movie he's been in so far is 300. That, in my humble opinion, is a perfect example of how to make an action movie.
You think they will ever make a sequel? Maybe, 400? or a prequel? 150?

The point is, want my 2 hours back!

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I cant highlight something good that happened today. I don't remember anything bad or remotely negative happening. It was overall a good day and maybe that in its self can be a good thing that happened to me today.

What are the rules!

"They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules..."
-John lennon
Working Class Hero

I'm not even sure what the rules are, specially when they make them up as you go forward. That's all I got to say for today.

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Two good things today:

I received an early Valentines day gift; A new guitar!
I bought lunch for a co-worker today she thanked me sincerely and profusely...I felt great.

One good thing

I will get right to it.
From now on, I want to acknowledge at least one good thing that happened through out the day. I figured, we are so quick to talk and think about everything that went wrong. We indulge ourselves on speaking ill about that person that made us feel that bad. Negativity - that's what we promote, package and sell.
I am choosing(keyword) to break that cycle. It is dirty and unfulfilling, it leaves us no better then the person that offended us.
I will write one good thing about my day; in the hopes that I might elevate my own inner self, or at least pull my self out of that everyday rut I call my routine.

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Today, a co-worker of mine told me that a piece of life philosophy that i shared with her, helped her feel better. She thanked me. I hope that next week, if I can remember one thing about this work week is that moment.

Maybe life isn't so bad if we look at it differently.

Musick!

When i was 10 years old, I wanted to learn to play the guitar in the worst way. One year ago, thanks to my girlfriend (who gave me a guitar for valentines day), I finally did. The calluses on my now roughed up finger tips have become a badge of honor, they are my battle scars, a tribute to that childhood want.
I've been exposed to a whole new world of talent, beauty, and art. This instrument has opened up my mind. It has prevented (I believe) my very own mental atrophy. It has saved me from the dreaded everyday routine of : wake up, eat, get ready, drive to work, punch in, punch out, drive home, eat, go to bed, repeat.
You gotta think, why don't we do more to have this in schools? How many other minds would it help develop and or save? The benefits of music are plenty.
So, if you want to start playing an instrument, don't think about it just do it. It will make your life richer, you will find a new appreciation for music and art.

Twitter.com/worstonguitar

Just reflecting

"I think its you" someone said to me as i showed my illustration for the first time. Well, I'm not entirely sure if this guy is me. Umbrella, buck teeth and a nasty looking green shirt, not exactly my self portrait. I think i have more in common with the bird then I do the random being in it. I've stepped beside my self and I'm looking at me and the sum of all my parts, wondering where the hell I am and what the hell I'm doing. That mathematical equation has become like a daily ritual, my day is not complete without it. There is no need to look deeper into it, there is no riddle here, just a snap shot in my day, everyday.